Worst Ever: The Shadow God
If you’re looking for something to do today (besides checking out the extensive backlog over at Lost Toast), might I suggest reading about the worst book in the world??
I have to tell you, I am on the verge of buying this book, if just for it’s horrible lines alone. I mean, seriously - there are some beautifully terrible lines in this book. Such as:
The lamp’s glow was very weak compared to the blue glow emancipating from the basement.
How could it not be something I would enjoy? Which brings me to yet another one of my terrible and doomed-to-be-forgotten-maybe ideas. I’m going to start a search for some of the worst lines ever made - whether the line occurs within the pages of a book, the sound-o-matic spectrum of movies, or a verse in a song. If I hear something that makes me cringe or laugh… rest assured, you’re going to hear about it.
And if you’ve heard or read any recently, send them in! Just add a comment, or e-mail me, and you’ll get yourself some credit and a link.
Kicks to the teeth for those who quote Lost Toast.
Lost Toast: The More Things Change (10)
Because you wanted it: it’s a new Lost Toast!
After experimenting (and failing spectacularly) at the serialized page format, it feels great to get back to the strips. Hope you enjoy.
The Mixtape Project: Iris
I curse the name Scott Wifflefram often. This is partly because he is my arch enemy, and I aim to one day destroy him. This is also because he gives me war flashbacks to when I was younger by putting songs into his Regular Guy strips, like so.
If you click on the link, you’re going to find a song called “Iris” playing in the background of the strip. It’s about how everything’s meant to be broken, and how this dude wants this girl to know who he is. Really hardcore “oh-my-God-this-song-is-about-me” stuff. So, of course, the songs is on a shit-ton of my iPod playlists, and attached to a smattering of memories. More specifically, this song was on a CD I made when I flew down to Australia (henceforth referred to as Australier) with a marching band in 2006.
The Australier trip was… an interesting point in time. For one… well, I was going to Australier! Hot dag! And yeah, the trip itself was very awesome. I got to see a lot of sights, meet a lot of people that I said I would keep in touch with (and kind’ve… didn’t) and just… have fun in a foreign land. But it was also a period of time marked by the last good period for myself and an ex-girlfriend.
For those of you who know me, and for those of you who stick around, you either know all about the ex in particular, or you will hear about her in drips and drabs as I drop little chunks of myself in this blog space. She’s what you’d call “the first”. Not the first girlfriend, but the first one that really stuck, and the first one that really hurt. Being my first experience with… what I can only assume was some kind of love, there was always some really big highs and some really big lows. “Iris” marks many times in my life, but really marks one of the highest highs, right before the end of the relationship.
Pulphaus Periodicals: Dewey, Cheatum & Howie (05)
Dewey, Cheatum & Howie - Pilot (Finalé)
“Didn’t we just do this?” Howie asks, “Like, two times already?”
“Shut up, Howie,” Robert says.
“Hey, if I was allowed to kill him when I wanted to, we all would’ve been-”
“How about you all shut up,” Mark growled, pointing his gun squarely at Elizabeth, “And have the girl step a little closer.”
Elizabeth’s eyes narrow.
“What is it with you people and taking the woman hostage?” she asks, voice filled with fear and acid.
“It’s nothing personal,” Mark claims with a smirk, “We’ve just found that men tend to bend to our demands when women become endangered. Some kind of macho brain tick in their head wants to be the big protector, forces their hand.”
“How noble,” Elizabeth grumbles.
“Hey Liz?” Howie says, glancing sideways.
“Yeah?”
“Quack.”
“Huh?”
Howie bursts into a run.
“Duck!” Robert yells, tackling his fiancé.
Mark’s face scrunches and the gun goes off, firing wild as Howie runs forward. Head down, Howie makes contact with Mark’s stomach and the pair go flying backwards onto the window. They hit it with a solid thud, and hit the ground. The gun skips and spins on the floor.
“Rob!” Howie yells.
“On it.”
“Fffff-” Mark attempts to swear, struggling against Howie, “Hhhhh-”
“The next time… you pick a hostage… make sure she wasn’t such a… raging bitch to his fiancé’s brother,” Howie squeezes out.
And then, Robert has the gun.
“Watch out!” Rob yells.
“Watch out!?” Howie yells incredulously.
“Right,” Robert reasons, instead running to the pair, “Hold him steady.”
“A little hard - gak - Rob,” Howie breathes, “I think the dude was trained or-”
In a swift motion, the butt of the gun comes down and smokes Mark in the face. Hard. Mark goes limp.
“Nice,” Howie says, looking up to his brother.
“I was trained too,” Robert says somewhat coldly, “Watch out.”
Howie rolls back, and braces his ears.
* * *
The moments that follow a murder are awkward. The fact that the other guy just tried to kill you doesn’t really matter. There’s just something in the air that makes talking stilted and hard.
“So…” Elizabeth says, “About all that.”
Robert breathes and looks at his fiancé. His eyes look sad and lost.
“I don’t…” he exhales, “I’m not sure what I can tell you. This whole thing has been just…”
A pause.
“I’m not even sure how all this is going to fall, let alone-”
“Just-” Elizabeth interrupts, “tell me that you’re going to be okay.”
Howie laughs. Elizabeth and Robert both stare at him coldly.
“What!?”
More cold stares.
“Look, I don’t know about you,” he says, motioning at Elizabeth, “but I want to know what the fuck this is all about. I don’t want to hear all this bullshit about protocol. We’re obviously in this now, so… let us in.”
Rob sighs.
“I suppose you’re right,” he agrees.
“See?” Howie smirks with triumph, “Me. Right.”
“Something terrible happened here,” Rob explains, “And unfortunately for me… and for you… this is… it’s my job.
“I, uh… I… actually, there’s something that’ll help me explain here a little better, I’ll be right back,” Robert lets them know before disappearing down the hall towards his room.
A silence passes through the room. Then:
“Sorry about the pushing you thing,” Howie says to her.
“And the raging bitch comment,” she adds.
“I was, uh… actually kind of proud of that one,” he smiles.
“You piece of-”
And Robert enters the room, a small metallic sphere firmly placed in hand.
“What is that?” Howie interrupts Elizabeth’s thought.
“This…” Roberts says, “Is something that the company I work for makes. Simple looking things with not-so-simple purposes.”
“What does it do?” Howie asks.
“This?” Robert holds the object in the air between his thumb and forefinger, “Is a couple of things. First and foremost, it’s a failsafe. An operative is supposed to activate it when things go uh… go wrong.”
“Wait a-”
In no time at all, Rob’s other hand swoops up with the gun, keeping his brother at bay.
“It’s secondary function… is to make people forget,” he says calmly, “So that they have no memory of the minutes or hours we need them to forget. It’s called a Deus Ex Machina.”
“Nice,” Howie says with an impressed grin.
“Our people have this thing about cute names,” Robert rolls his eyes.
“Clearly,” Howie replies, “So… you’re going to use that on us?”
“That is the plan.”
“Awesome. Now,” Howie breathes, “Tell us. What is it exactly, that you do.”
Robert smiles, “Well.”
* * *
Elizabeth and Howie find themselves downstairs in the car park. Robert is standing in front of his car, suitcase in hand.
“I really wish I was going with you right away,” Elizabeth’s face crinkles.
“You’ve got work, babe,” Robert tells her, “You’ll just be here for a week, and then you’ll be right there with me.”
“In Tinsley,” she says, sliding her arms around him.
“In Tinsley,” he smiles at her.
They kiss.
“See, this is why I didn’t want to come,” Howie cringes, shielding his eyes, “I knew you guys were going to be gross.”
“And they never had to see him again,” Elizabeth says. It’s almost teasing, but there’s a slight edge in her tone.
“Har,” Howie returns.
“You two are going to be okay for the week?” Robert asks, “You’re not going to kill each other?”
“We have separate rooms at the hotel, we should be fine,” Elizabeth states simply.
“I still don’t understand why the landlord wanted us out so early,” Howie grumbles.
“Not that you every paid any rent,” Elizabeth says.
“Oh! My heart!”
“Seriously, you’re both going to be fine?” Robert asks, almost worried.
“Yes, go,” Elizabeth says, smiling.
“I’ll miss you,” Robert grins.
“Miss you too,” Elizabeth returns.
Howie opens up his arms.
“Group hug?” he asks, “No?”
* * *
As Robert begins to drive away, Howie turns to Elizabeth.
“So, a whole week, eh?” he grins, “You two haven’t been separated for more than a day for the past-”
“Shut up, would you Howie, I’m trying to have a moment,” Elizabeth says, watching the car move slowly.
“He can’t see you,” Howie complains, “It’s not like watching the car is going to accomplish any-”
FWA-THOOM!!!
The sound and heat shake the complex as Robert’s car explodes. Hot metal and air sear in many directions. Howie and Elizabeth both hit the ground, scared.
“What…” Howie breathes, “What…”
And Elizabeth is speechless. Neither know what’s happened. Neither know why it might be happening. If Robert had let them remember, they would both recall the danger they had been in earlier that day. They would both remember Mark and the guns. And they would both remember giving Mark the keys to repair Robert’s car.
But they don’t. And they won’t. Which begs the question. What are they going to do now?
END OF PILOT
BUT HOWIE AND ELIZABETH WITH RETURN IN:
“A Job is a Job”
Reviews: War Heroes Advanced Review and Done-in-Ones
This weekend was a busy one for me - in addition to getting Lost Toast squared away (finally), I squeezed out a bunch of Done-In-One Reviews and read an advance copy of Mark Millar’s new creator owned book War Heroes.
In other news, the final part of the first Dewey, Cheatum, & Howie will be going up bright and early t’morrow morning, so check back for that.
-B.
Lost Toast: The More Things Change (09)
Like lightning, it’s another Lost Toast!
We’re back to strips, and the three-a-week schedule, so expect some awesomeness for the days to come as this story continues… WITH PUNCHLINES.
Lost Toast: The Catch-Up.
Lost Toast is late no longer! Amazing, right? You can check out all of the new strips by clicking on this handy link here, and scrolling through to the most recent, or you can just check out the newest by going onto the main page.
Indie Steve will be getting the same treatment this weekend, and the final part of Dewey, Cheatum & Howie will be up in a few days. Here’s to catching up - and soon, staying ahead.
-B.
Pulphaus Periodicals: Dewey, Cheatum & Howie (04)
Dewey, Cheatum & Howie - Pilot (Part 4)
The following was posted a few weeks ago on the defunct Periodicals page of this website. Over the course of this week, we’ve been re-posting what has already gone up. Tomorrow, we air the conclusion to this arc. Enjoy.
Howie blinks at Mark.
“What the shit!?” he exclaims, “Why do you have a gun?”
“Isn’t it obvious?” Mark asks.
“What’s going on?” Elizabeth looks rightfully worried and confused.
“That dude has a gun,” Howie points.
Read the rest of this entry »
Scott Wiffleframs’ Regular Guy
You may have noticed the link on the sidebar, but for those of you who haven’t…
My arch nemesis and fellow Canadian Scott Willimans has a web comic of his own. Despite the creator’s obvious flaws, it’s pretty awesome, and you should be reading it.
You can find the first comic here - it’ll do more to explain what it’s about than I can. Read and enjoy!
At the Movies: Seeing the Goddamn Batman
Just came back from seeing The Dark Knight… and I have to say… that was one intense movie. I’m not one for reviews that take effort, so I’m going to hop into a point form of non-spoilerly plot things.
- Heath Ledger is amazing as the Joker. Whenever he’s on screen, there’s a tension. But one that you can’t help but laugh at a little. And note to comics: this movie has a perfect reason for Joker to still be around, motivation and all. Do what you will with this information.
- Hey, neat magic trick! Now, to show all my enemies.
- Hot damn! I didn’t know you could kill frabisham frizzlefiz. You dudes sure got some balls on you.
- This is the way you do a two villain movie. I was about to detail how it was done, but it’s best not to ruin the, uh… fun. Just watch and be amazed.
- That ending! Hot dag! I can’t even believe it!
- I left the theater feeling a little sad. Sad that the current Bat books are nowhere near this good. The odd case that Hollywood has gotten a comic book movie so right, you wish comics would take note. Seriously.
And that’s it. Y’all have a good time on Friday. But be careful - I think my stomach was clenched the entire time I watch the movie… it was so tense. Enjoy!
-B.
