three lefts will make this right.

Ooooooooh yeaaaaaaahhhh!! It’s Monday night, everybody’s feeeeelin’ right, and you all know what that means! In just a few hours, you’re going to wake up, gently rubs your sleepy eyes, and drop your damn eyeballs on some Drunk! Comic! Recaps! The rules, as we all know by now, are pretty freakin’ simple. I gently sip upon a few Caesars, grab a terribly awesome comic – and go nuts with the explaining of the whatsits and junk. The next afternoon, when I stumble out of bed, I’m not allowed to edit the piece… except for the tags, I need you folks to be able to search junk.

So! After taking a break last week to get ourselves into a bit of Trouble (get it! Snapado!) we’re digging right back into Chuck Austen’s first Uncanny X-Men arc! When we left off in #410, Sammy (the squidy fish boy) had a gun, and Stacy X was all – Imma crazay whore and the X-Men are dead and then the Juggernaut came. Say, wasn’t Austen like, totally gay for Juggernaut and had him as part of the team and junk? As a good guy? Of Chuck. You are a delight.

The cover, as you can see, is Stacy having an orgasm while holding the chard remains of Archangel. Girl is into some freaky junk. Open the cover, and you have Sammy and Professor X giving us a touch of the recap, just like a gave you. Professor X is worried about everyone being dead, and Sammy is wondering why he isn’t thinking about zits more. (Hint: it’s because he’s some freak ass looking fish creature! Say whaaaaaaaaaat?) ON THE Nesxt page, Stacy X is all shocked, yelling “Juggernaut’s going to kill us all!” And then Bobby tells her, “Not all of us Stacy. You maybe.”

Because. He’s. A dick.

(Note: at this point, with Letterman on (because FUCK Jay Leno, that’s why) I almost fell’d asleep. Oh maaan.)

Right,so after this, the Juggernaut pulls a large chunk of wood from Wolverine’s tum, and is rewarded with a SUPER ICE PUNCH by whoosits. Bobby ice dude, Angel then gets grabbed by vines that emerge from the ground, and then everyone yells (Nightcrawler: Dammit! What the hell is going on here! Where is Monet? Stacy: Who cares? We have to find Warren! His brain will die, you said so!) In this way, we get a solid look at what Chuck Austen thinks of women (they react to what the men can do and junk).

Anyway, after having a slight curfuffle, the X-Men learn that the Juggernaut is the dude what placed the distress call. When the X-Men ask him to explain, he’s all this guy is doing stuff and then vines attack. Don’t people know to get straight to the point ’stead of being all cryptic? Makes no sense, unless you’re some kinda’ tardo. (Yeah, that won’t get me in trouble none.)

Okay, so now begins the weird Havok and the Nurse thing that Chuckry does in this book. As of right now, Annie the Nurse is calling Havok Mr. Doe… which means we don’t know who he is… only I do,because I know a bit of what happens with this thing right here. Anyway, she’s talking to him as he’s in his vegetable/coma state and the other nurses are talking about her thusly:

“Annie will never give up on him, will she?”

“Yeah, well, he’s a handsome man, and she’s a single mother who doesn’t get out much.”

WHAT??!? Okay, that? Is BULLSHIT. A nurse ends up being really attentive to a patient, just because he’s an attractive man? Are all the women terrible charactures here? (spoiler alert: people tell me “yes”) Anyway, believe it or not, it gets worse. When called out for being a bitch, the nurse what called Annie a coma whore backpedals and says, “If she takes better care of him because she secretly wishes he’d come out of it, and carry her off into the sunset… well it’s probably good for them both. Sometimes the only thing that keeps us going… is HOPE.”

Now, being drunk I should probably explain this a bit better. The reason why this turn  of phrase is especially bad (other than the part where the nurse implies it’s cool to treat patients differently becaues they are super cute) is that the title of this three issue story arc? Is HOPE. There is almost nothing… NOTHING that is as cheesy as using your story title in an “important” quote like that. Boourns and such,

Okay, I’m almost tankered here, so let’s gangbang this into nothin’-ness. The nurse talks to her son a bit and realizes that Havok is a mutant, which is neat (or something) and then there’s this two page spread of the X-Men covered in vines,and they’re all WTF, y’all! Anyway, we find that its Black Tom Cassifay (Juggernaut’s parnter, whome Wolvie calls super gay). THe nurse phoines the Xavier place and gets Cyclops, to tell him that his bro is alive and then Nightcrawler and Bobby see Black Tom going full tenitcle porn on all the other character, with the female characters crying out in terror, because they appear to be useless.

And that’s the end of this part.

Next week! The shocking (probably not) conclusion to HOPE. (Gaaaaaaaaaay!)

It’s Friday here at the Publitorium, and that means it’s time for your favourite* weekly look at the world of fresh floppies – with a stiff infusion of Liefeld!

1. SUDDENLY

AMAZING SPIDER-MAN #623 | This issue sees the return of Mark Waid’s new version of The Vulture… as well as Mark Waid himself! Coincidence? Read more

We’re going to get through this “growing pains” part together, you and me. It’s all going to pay off later.

I’m four Ceasar’s into the night, and I have finally gotten into the area of this site where I can post shit, so you all know what that means… it’s time for Drunk! Comic! Reviewwwwwssss! The rules are simple. Each week, I review a terrible comic while completely sauced, and I don’t go back and edit it. Even this part where I say the stuff about the reviews is just all coming from Senor Noggin. Fuck, I wish I could figure out how to do that swoopy thing over the… uhh… ‘o’? Let’s go with that.

So yeah, anyway, the plan was to review the first three issues of Chuck Austen’s X-Men before moving on, but I didn’t think to look for my copies before I started drinking. So you’re getting a dose of motherfuckin’ Trouble from Mark Millar and Terry Dodson. For those of you who don’t know, this is the story about how Aunt May cheated on Uncle Ben before they were married and got pregnant with Peter Parker in seeeeecret. Or something. I didn’t read past the first issue. But I totally bought alla’ this because I got a feeling it’s straight up ridiculous. Let’s get to it.

Okay, so the story starts with Richard Parker talking to his dad about his sweet ride, and Mary Riley talking to her mom about how she’s going to go to the Hamptons to bang dudes or clean rooms or some shit. Soon after this, Ben Parker’s mom warns him against fast women (NOT A LIE)  and May Riley’s dad tells her to go to church every day. So ou just know there’s going to be some fucking. Then Richard calls his brother gay, and May and her sister bond over stealing booze from their parents. You know, why am I even reading this book? I’m getting some war flashbacks. There was a reason I stopped reading this back in the day. But you know, for you people, I would do anything. Except I may not blow a starfish, if that’s what you’re into. I’m not sure why I said that.

Right now, as I’m reading this, I’m also watching Craig Furgeson. That dude is tops! That’s got nothing to do with no shit though. Where was I.

Okay, May and her sister are on this bus, and she (May) starts writing in her diary(!) and they pass a billboard that  lets them know that tells them that Mark Millar is the writer… with a sexy picture of Mark Millar in a Speedo like suit. WHAT THE BALLS! Anyway, the diary entry is about how dumb and stereotypical keeping a diary is (irony!) and then proceeds to tell everyone that life is worth living – and that you shouldn’t just talk about boys, but you should make the most out of life, and just make out with allll of them. Oh yeaaaah.

Just one page later, and we’re treated to a double page spread with some hot pink graffiti text on an 80s summer town background. Okay, points for that junk. Major points. But then, jsut one page later, there’s some dickbag named Peter Howard Shelby, who basically tells everyone that ther is no dancing in the town of footloose. Because music leads to dancing, and dancing leads to touching, and that shit will not stand, you hear? One of the Parker brothers (ha!) tells Shelby that he’s crazy if he thinks that teens won’t screw, what with their hormones and junk, and Shelby repies with (and this is a direct quote: “My staff and I are going to work you so hard over the next ten weeks, you have my word, you won’t be able to do what comes naturally.”

THEY ARE GOING TO STRAIGHT RAPE THESE KIDS, YOU GUYS.

Anyway, the way this book goes, some rape would almost be nice. On the next few pages, some old bitch uses the word “shan’t”, the boys spit on a porkchop (because they’re totally hardcore catering people), and we find out that six inches of space would not stop Richie’s penis from poking May’s sister in the junk. Then, everyone goes skinny dipping, the footloose guy asks what kind of orgiastic shenanigans are going on, and then everyone escapes and bones and there’s condoms and that’s then end. Yerg too drunk to be better that this oh noes!

Anyway, this book is pretty bad you guys, which is totally why I bought it and will love it forever. Come back here for either more of this, or Chuck Austen’s X-Men in just one short week, or something.